Episode 258 opens with reverb, ears, corn, fake governors, and the crew trying to remember how podcast intros work before Parker officially welcomes everyone to another edition of the Black Lincoln Collective Podcast. 258-2 258-2

The first major story belongs to Fred, whose son has officially turned 13. Fred is less impressed with the birthday itself than with the fact that he managed to keep another human alive for 13 years. He points out that TVs, cars, marriages and various other things haven’t necessarily lasted as long, but the kid is alive, healthy, doing well in school and playing football. 258-2 258-2

For his birthday, Fred’s son doesn’t ask for a huge party. He asks for a day out with his parents. Fred’s wife turns that into an itinerary built around mystery choice cards. The day starts with donuts and coffee, followed by Frankie’s Fun Park, video games, miniature golf, a mall stop, dinner, another round of miniature golf and eventually pickleball.

At Frankie’s, Fred refuses to let his now-teenage son beat him at putt-putt because apparently fatherhood ends where competitive miniature golf begins. Later in the day, the family comes back for another round, discovers no employee at the outdoor counter and, after waiting several minutes, decides the statute of limitations on paying for miniature golf has expired.

Dinner becomes a more complicated decision. Fred’s son wants the full birthday spectacle, including restaurant employees making a big deal about him. Options include Cheddar’s and Miyabi’s, but Papa Fred eventually takes over and selects Twin Peaks, where his son gets dessert, attention from the servers and a birthday experience that Fred considers a proper transition into teenage life.

That leads to a surprisingly long investigation into whether restaurants are legally allowed to sing “Happy Birthday.” Parker checks and discovers that the song has been in the public domain since 2016, meaning the restaurant simply chose not to sing it rather than being blocked by copyright law.

The family finishes the day with pickleball. Fred wins the series 2-1 before fatigue starts catching up with him, while Fred’s wife later crashes into a metal divider trying to chase down a shot. Everyone survives, which means Fred’s 13-year parenting streak remains intact.

After the break, Parker introduces the BLC Restaurant Review Roundup. While creating a rating system, the guys briefly settle on “two pointy things up,” then “two nipples out,” before delivering the philosophical breakthrough that gives the episode its title:

“The thumbs are the nipples of the hand.” 258-2

Fred reviews a small, flashy Mexican restaurant in Greer. The atmosphere is dark and stylish, complete with string lights, 80s music, elaborate cocktails, dry ice, novelty drink containers and food that occasionally arrives on fire. But Fred isn’t there for the theater. His burrito arrives dry with the sauces separated on side plates, his wife’s meal disappoints her, and another person at the table doesn’t finish his food. Fred ultimately gives the place roughly 1.5 sauces, arguing that the experience looks better than it tastes.

That becomes a larger BLC restaurant philosophy: if the food is great, the show is a bonus. If the food is bad, smoke, fire, dry ice and elaborate presentation aren’t going to save it.

Allan’s review goes much better. He visits a Brazilian steakhouse where servers continuously bring skewers of meat to the table. There are sides, salad-bar options, steaks, chicken, wine and the red/green system that tells the staff whether you want more. Allan forgets to flip his marker and accidentally enters a meat endurance competition. His final score: essentially 10 meat rods out of 10.

Parker then reviews something technically not a restaurant: World’s Finest Chocolate.

The fundraiser from “The Ten Chocolate Commandments” has ended, but Parker learns that unsold chocolate does not simply go back. He is now the unwilling owner of dozens of leftover chocolate bars. Worse, he thinks the modern bars are nowhere near as good as the ones he remembers from childhood.

That launches a long discussion about selling them to gas stations, giving them away, whether even homeless people would reject them, cardboard-box real estate and increasingly elaborate rating systems. World’s Finest Chocolate eventually earns approximately one cardboard box full of diarrhea out of seven.

And with that, Episode 258 ends exactly where every quality restaurant-review podcast should: debating cardboard housing and leftover fundraising chocolate.

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